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thisisdia.wordpress.com

How long has it been since I’ve heard these words?

Well, a while, since I’ve never actually heard them. 

I just finished watching “Something Borrowed” again, which was amazing (partly because the main characters went to Indiana University). It’s refreshing to watch a movie that’s simply about true love (but when is love ever simple, really?). 

So here’s my honest confession since I’m in the post-movie-watching mood: I want that love. I need that love. I can’t wait to have that love. I want to fall in love, madly, hopelessly. I want it to be imperfect with fights and laughter and late nights of talking about nothing and long walks and holding hands and crying (if I could cry) and screaming and everything in between. 

And sometimes, it scares me that I won’t ever really find that because I’m too scared, so I become an easy target, and then build these walls pretending like it’s no big deal, and I’m scared that someday, because I just let myself go too easily so many times (in a weird defense of not really letting myself really feel anything) I’m going to become a hard-hearted bitch who ends up alone living in a big apartment in New York with only Jimmy Choos as company (although that’s not bad company).

And you know what? That terrifies me. That terrifies me that however many guys I’ve been with have used me and then disposed of me, and what’s even more terrifying is that I’ve let that happen! For so long! And not once have I really tried to stop it, because in my mind, if I wait around for anything more (like, oh I don’t know, respect?) that it won’t ever come, and I’ll just be waiting forever. So then I tell myself that nobody would really respect me or love me and I might as well take what I can get and then I make a joke out of it to other people and laugh at myself, but what you, you audience you, what you don’t know is that I am dying for someone to you know, actually care. 

That’d be awesome. And here’s the thing - I tell girls ALL the time that they deserve better, that they shouldn’t let a guy treat them like shit, and that they are beautiful and worth more and that someday someone will fall so in love with them and it will be amazing. And I tell them to have self-respect and really just value their purity and be good to themselves. And that’s awful because what’s consolation if you don’t even believe it to be true for yourself? What the hell is that? 

And even more so, I know that I’m awesome and I’m confident in myself and I think I’m smart and funny sometimes, and I know for certain that I can really care a lot about someone if given the chance, and I have nice hair and I like puppies, and generally I’m a likable person. And yet, I settle for these assholes in frat houses for one night and then shamelessly laugh it off. 

Movies like these remind me that love isn’t something you’ll find in a fraternity house drinking cheap vodka when you’re 19. Movies like these remind me that love is important, and as distant and unrealistic as it seems, it is out there, and maybe, maybe someday, I’ll find someone who will want to actually talk to me, and get to know me, and realize that I hate cats and that Blue Moon is my favorite beer, that my mom is my best friend and my grandma drives me crazy (in a good way), that I sleep with a stuffed animal (his name is Bruce) and that I’m scared of commitment but always willing to try. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who will give me the chance to be the awesome girlfriend and fiance and wife (someday very far away for these last two) that I know I can be. 

Maybe someday, someone will say to me, sober, without make-up, just the two of us, “God, I like you.” I have to have faith that someday, I’ll be able to respond, “I like you, too.”

Everyone waits patiently for the ending of anything - a relationship, a friendship, the bar tab, or your freshman year of college. Right now, I’m waiting patiently for the sunrise to come up through the torrential downpour currently taking place outside my open window.

The thing about endings is that they aren’t absolute; it’s never a clean break. We always expect to delete a friend, unfollow someone, remove a contact, and never see that person or experience in our life again, but thanks to the six degrees of separation and basic human nature, that’s just not the way it works. 

Fact is, we want what we can’t have. We long for the things we shut out - we desire complete closure. The problem with complete closure is that it is an illusion, and the illusion is this - that of a clean break. We picture neatly tying up any and all loose ends of the parcel and sending it on its way, to wherever it may go. We expect ourselves to never want to open that parcel again, and never wonder where exactly it went. 

That’s the thing with endings - they are never quite as absolute as we wish them to be. Absolution is far out of reach; however, Absolut is not. 

And that is what my past year, $33,000 dollars worth of education has taught me. When in doubt - drink. When in fear - charge. When in pain - pray. And, above all, when in grief - smile. Because life’s too short to be anything but perfectly appreciative of every blessing God gave you. In light of the un-absolute ending of my freshman year of college, I’ve compiled a list of things I learned. I hope you enjoy them since I sure as hell didn’t enjoy learning them. 

1. Going to class is (somewhat) necessary. Taking notes by hand on notebook paper is the best way to learn. The best grades are earned, and the most gratifying feeling is seeing the fruit of your labor in the form of an A. There are few things in life that invoke satisfaction like the product of one’s hard work. 

2. If you don’t vacuum your room all year, you will regret it when you have to move out. I definitely did not need to see that Cheerio dancing with dust bunnies under the fridge and wonder what the hell it had been doing there all year. Definitely could have done without that. 

3. Never complain about dorm room bathrooms. Some people don’t even have plumbing. While there may be a used tampon sitting in the drain of your communal shower, suck it up, close your eyes, and wash your hair. Then leave, and hope that someone cleans up that God-forsaken mess before you come back tomorrow.

4. Checking the weather every morning is generally a good idea. Especially in Indiana.

5. Always choose your friends if you have the choice of spending time with a boy/girl or being with your friends. Always choose your friends. Always.

6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The best friendships are based on foundations of mutual weakness, and built upon helping each other up. Some of my closest relationships began with tears and Starbucks. There is no shame in being vulnerable; there is no downfall in imperfection. Let others see that you’re broken. Let others know you need help. You’ll have less dark circles around your eyes all the time. 

7. Realize the value of money. Those Ray Bans I lost at Little 5? $150. My missing North Face? $200. Camera gone MIA? $190. Money, contrary to popular belief, does not grow on trees, and no matter how well off you are, you should learn to have some value for the many things Mommy & Daddy buy for you. It wasn’t until I started packing that I realized how many clothes I have. The saddest part? I only wear about a quarter of them. The other 75% of my wardrobe’s cost could have gone to, oh I don’t know, a certain college fund? Yeah. Think twice before you spend, and once you do, realize that not everybody can spend like you. You’re a lucky one. 

8. Get caught up in the moment; fall in love with it all. I got lucky that I go to school in one of the most charming towns in the Midwest. It’s easy to fall in love with a place so full of tradition and rich in history like Bloomington. Wherever you are, something brought you there - you are there for a reason. Take it all in - the leaves in the fall or the tulips in the spring, the smell of Karkov wafting through a fraternity house, the late nights in the Union, the stories of alumni, the free meals and cheap beer, take it all in. Hold it close to your heart. 

9. Drink a lot water after a night out. Take it from the queen of full-body, all-day, straight-from-hell hangovers. Water, cold or warm, filtered through a Brita or not, will save you many hours of self-hatred and questioning your life choices. Always drink water. Always.

10. Be honest. In an undergraduate student body of over 30,000, you wouldn’t think that lies and slander spread. However, between the rosters of smaller inner circles, social networks, dorms, student organizations, sports teams, and random acquaintances, everyone knows each other. Careful what you say, about whom, through what channel, with what effect. Careful, because as someone once told me, you will never be alone at Indiana University (for better or for worse). The times you think you are talking to your mom in complete solitude, someone is probably listening. The times you think you are crying in privacy, someone probably heard you. And the times you think nobody can see you making out with that guy against the wall since you’re in a corner, the whole room can probably see you. So my policy? Just be honest about everything, or as close to everything as you can, because chances are that someone is listening, someone can hear, or someone can see. And you don’t want lies spreading around, and coming back to you.

11. Always pick up when your friend calls late at night. It will either be amusing, or she needs you. Pick up. 

This song is breaking me down to tears right now. Help.

I have this overwhelming sense of nostalgia and full-circleness and the need to cry and a desire never to leave Bloomington, this perfect place. I have this pain inside of me than needs caring to, I have this unrequited love inside of me that needs reciprocation. Don’t let me leave this perfect moment.

Rest easy Julian, you’ll be missed dearly. SNC, thanks for the amazing new CD. The world, and all of you, are beautiful.

(via kaloskiaagathos)

Beautiful - it’s a word thrown around, used and abused in everyday language. But lately, I’ve been wondering what it really means - what does it really mean to be beautiful?

What I’ve found is that beauty is found in happiness. Cliche as that sounds, it’s true - think about it. People are the most beautiful when they are happiest. There is nothing more lovely than a small child giggling or an old couple smiling at each other across the dinner table. 

And happiness comes free - happiness is everywhere. Happiness, to me, is nights like these past few, nights of honesty and laughs and heart-to-hearts. Nights like these, of going to Claire’s and late nights on porch swings and pizza and ice cream. Nights like these, of dancing with your sorority sisters, of falling in love too quickly, of feeling more loved and blessed than everyone else in the room. 

These are the nights that make me happy - these are the nights that make life worth living. And for me, these are the nights that bring out the best in me, my most beautiful side. These are the nights were my smile is so wide that my eyes crinkle at the corners. These are the nights I drink a little more than I should and pay for it the next day… and then do it again. These are the nights I spend dancing in my friends’ living rooms to “Young Forever” wishing just that - that we could freeze this moment in a time capsule, and I could look back on being eighteen and young and in love, and so, so beautiful. 

Beauty, for me, comes out when I am with those who make me happiest. I am most beautiful with God, with my mother, with my family, with my friends, with my sisters. I am most beautiful when I get a tattoo for the hell of it, when I eat six slices of pizza without thinking twice about it, when I listen to Billy Joel and spend Friday night trying to perfect my class schedule for next semester. 

Happiness, for me, is being young, is realizing your blessings, is treasuring your dreams, and guarding your heart. Happiness comes free to all who seek it, and happiness, in my opinion, is what makes us beautiful. So waste not a moment more - go find what makes you happy; be beautiful. 

I’m thinking about the last time I drove on open country roads with Rascal Flatts blaring through my headphones. It was almost three years ago.

Summer 2009 is when I fell in love with the south for the first time on my own. I was Kansas bred and North Carolina lived for many summers before that, but driving down to Appalachia in a minivan full of strangers is the first time I truly got a taste for the south.

ASP changed my life in more ways than explicable. It was the summer after my sophomore year in high school - a hellish year - and I was broken and lost. Hell I’m still broken and lost but now I’m a little taller and obtained a GPS (just gotta figure out how to use this damn thing).

I’m thinking back to that summer, to everything that happened. I’m thinking back to that family, to Buddy the dog, to the massholes and late nights of dancing in an elementary school gym in Cricho County, Virginia. I’m thinking back to Wagon Wheel and crying when I realized the vicious cycle of coal-mining towns.

I think there are two reasons I didn’t go back on ASP. The first is that I had to work under a house. Anyone who has worked under a house can tell you what that is like.

The second reason I didn’t go back on ASP is that I don’t think I could have handled it. As much as I wanted to help those good folk down South, I don’t think my heart could have handled going back there and seeing how those people live and leaving them, all over again. I don’t know how people do that year in and year out but I just couldn’t.

As I drive through Tennessee today, I think back to that week in the south, the first time I fell in love. I think back to grits at Shoneys and Dairy Queen milkshakes.

The south is not a place or a destination - it is a lifestyle. It is God-loving, church-going, fried chicken-eating, loud-laughing, hey-y’alling madness. It’s a privilege and an honor to call yourself a true southerner, something I will always envy about those born and raised below the Mason-Dixon.

You can’t blame me for feeling a sense of nostalgia every time I drive through the south listening to country music. It brings me back to summer 09, a summer that could have quite possibly saved my life, a summer worth celebrating.

Last night, we were drinking and being fools at 3 am in a hotel far too expensive for any of us when a senior in college turned to me and said, “Dia, I gotta tell ya something. Make your life fantastic. It goes by too fast.”

I’m a lucky girl to have lived only eighteen years and been to the places I have been and met the people I have met. And let me tell you - until you’ve had a taste of the south, the real south not OBX, y’all haven’t really lived.

A friend of mine is currently studying abroad through Semester At Sea, a non-profit organization that takes students to 8-12 countries a semester, all while studying and earning credits towards their degrees.

People tell me that I’m like Bailey frequently. They tell me that she says one thing and does another. People call her a bitch and a slut. Others praise her ability to get everything done and then some. Some will say she’s crazy, some say she’s an angel. Some fear her and some admire her. She and I share an insecurity complex when it comes to commitment, and I think that’s what people see in us, what makes them think we’re so similar. 

That’s not all Bailey and I share, though. Although we are three years apart and come from different backgrounds, we share a love of writing, traveling, and our family and friends. Bailey is someone I aspire to be like, and never want to be like, all at once. Sometimes I wonder if people feel this way about me, too. 

Regardless, Bailey is abroad this semester and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss having her around. She always tells me to keep my chin up and that I’m looking “extra betchy” today. I’ll never forget the 45-minute talk we had in the corner of the IUSA office about learning to say no every once in a while, or you’ll end up being hospitalized for exhaustion. She gave me practical, tangible advice, which has truly helped me get to where I am right now. I don’t think she knows how much she helped me, but I hope someday I’ll have the courage to tell her. 

She recently posted pictures of her semester thus far, and of course, I looked at each and every single one, trying to uncover the stories behind each expedition. She had pictures from the Taj Mahal in India, or cage diving in South Africa. I couldn’t help but feel envy heat up every vein my body, not because she was traveling to all these amazing places, but because she looked so free. 

And that’s something people like Bailey and I crave - we crave freedom. We crave escaping this meeting-packed, no-sleep, over-caffeinated lives, even if only for a day, a week, a month. We crave seeing new places and meeting new people, and making new memories. We crave making our lives extraordinary and touching every soul we encounter. We crave this escape, this freedom, and to travel.

I someday hope that I can have an experience like Bailey is having now. I someday hope to travel to these places and meet amazing people. Above all, I hope to be as free as Bailey looks in her pictures, and truly figure out what it is I’m meant to do here on Earth. Until then, I’ll continue my over-committed, crazy-schedule, day-by-day lifestyle.  

If you look at the world through Jesus’s eyes, everyone becomes a little more fragile and beautiful, all at once. On nights like these, you can’t help but feel the pain of everyone around you, and in return, forget about your own petty problems. When you see your friends crying and hurt, nothing else matters but to make them happy again, and to stop the flow of tears from their eyes. This, I believe, is true love, true friendship. 

If you look at the world through Jesus’s eyes, you stop chasing this material, fleeting happiness. You stop making drunken mistakes to make others laugh and you start having self-respect. You want to help those who are lost and be there for them when they need you. You start living fully, without substance, and freely, without cares. 

If you look at the world through Jesus’s eyes, your own desires don’t matter much anymore. Your Journalism test on Tuesday will go just fine. Your meetings and emails and to-do list will get done. Everything will work out. If the boy you are chasing isn’t interested, he’s not worth your time. Your education, your family and friends, your faith, and your health, are what matter most (not in any particular order). You become more passionate about your life and all its wonders, rather than long for what you don’t have, when you look at life through the eyes of Jesus. 

Take solace in knowing that when I look at you, I don’t see you as the world sees you, but rather as God sees you. I don’t see your reputation of being a slut or a whore, I see your heart and your passions. I see your brokenness and pain, and I love you all the same. On nights like these, you have to look at the world through the eyes of Jesus.

Rationality is overrated and life’s too short to be anything but content. Content and happy are not the same thing. Happy means that you enjoy everything around you, that you are pleased to be in every situation you are in. Sometimes, you can’t help that shit. Sometimes, you just end up in the gutter with the rest of ‘em, drunk and crying, throwing up and hoping that somewhere down the line you’ll be able to laugh about it.

Most of the time, though, you have something to say about your contentment. You can choose whether or not to spend time with people who don’t make you feel good about yourself - that is your decision. And why would you choose to spend your precious, sweet time with folks who don’t make you laugh and feel invigorated and young and beautiful? Why would you give them the time of day? Are you afraid, afraid that they won’t like you? 

I’m telling ya now, and remember this kid, because it’s important - not everyone is going to like you all the time. My best friend in seventh grade said that to me, and it’s stuck with me ever since. And it’s true.

So avoid that shit. Cut it clean out of your life - there’s no need for it.

Instead, life freely. Live wildly. Live passionately. It’s on beautiful nights like these when my hair is infused with humidity and my eyes are closed against the warm spring breeze that I feel truly alive, exhilarated, beautiful, and thankful.

I’m thankful that tonight, life is perfect, because God knows it’s not always like this. God knows that there are struggles and pain and rejection and hurt and inexplicable misfortune in the world, everywhere. God knows our hearts break and we bleed and we cry for those who bleed. God knows that pain - God knows that we suffer.

But God also sees nights like these, and I think that He smiles at us from up there, because as He feels our pain, He also feels our joy, and our peace, and our contentment with what He has given us. 

I think that life is a gift. I think that each day has the potential to be beautiful. Each element of nature can spark inspiration, can color your imagination with ideas beyond your wildest dreams. Every person has something new to offer - nobody on Earth is wired the same way, so find the good in everyone, and cherish it.

When you are on the fence about doing something ballsy, do it. Today, I saw a basketball player, and I wanted to tell him he had a good game. So that’s exactly what I did. I yelled it across a parking lot in front of lots of people. He smiled and nodded and waved and said thank you. See? That wasn’t so bad. 

When you live in fear of rejection, you cripple your own potential to be happy, and that’s what I’ve learned and believe and trust. So don’t live in fear. Live in grace and mercy and happiness that you are blessed. Live fully and gladly. If there is a choice at hand, choose what makes you happiest. If you’re deciding on what to eat, choose what makes you fat. If you want to take the bus on a beautiful day, walk. Splash puddles on rainy days. Fall in love in quickly. Date someone. If you’re not dating someone, kiss someone. If you love to write, ramble on and on and let the world hear what you have to say. If you love to perform music, play it perfectly. Accept that there is always a reason for everything, but don’t kill yourself trying to figure out the damn reason. Sleep with a stuffed animal. These are the things that keep us young and alive, these are the things that move us from happy to content. 

(via caroblasc)

(via ellieweaver)

Stomach flu, you are truly the world’s biggest bitch.